Fan Fiction: Open Line Friday
Fanfiction crossover of the anime series "Ghostsweeper Mikami" and the Rush Limbaugh Show featuring Limbao Ryusho, the Japanese Rush Limbaugh, who is hosting Open Line Friday where he plays a Yokoshima Update, Japanese version of the Marv Albert Updates complete with commentary and parody songs; he takes an irate phone call from Okinu-chan and Yokoshima where the segment takes on a life of its own, especially when the android Maria makes an unexpected appearance, all while being broadcast live.
Characters of the story:
Yokoshima Tadao - Miss Mikami's perverted assistant; the Japanese concept of "Married With Children"'s Bud Bundy and Marv Albert
Okinu-chan - Miss Mikami's ghostly assistant
Maria - Dr. Chaos' android assistant
Limbao Ryusho - Conservative comedian on the Excellence in Nippon Broadcasting (ENB) network; Japanese version of Rush Limbaugh
Snerdao Bao - Limbao's broadcast engineer
The Singing Spirit Bullets - the same as Mikami's spirit bullets introduced in episode, "afterdeath of the wolves", except with musical talents; they sing the parody songs featured on the Limbao Ryusho show
"The Mannequin is Beckoning" - Yokoshima caught wearing women's lingerie
"Big Panic at the Girl's High School" - Yokoshima wearing a high school girl's uniform
"A Machine's Love Cannot be Stopped" - Maria falls in love with Yokoshima after she is accidentaly exposed to a powerful magic love potion that Yokoshima intended to use on Miss Mikami
"Ali Limbai" - EIB skit of Afghan Rush Limbaugh
"Rasheed Limbaqai" - EIB skit of Iraqi Rush Limbaugh
"Chang Limbang" - EIB skit of Chinese Rush Limbaugh
"Marv Albert Updates" - parody songs and commentary in reference to sex scandal involving Sportscaster Marv Albert
Rush 24/7 - exclusive membership for greater access to Rush's website, www.rushlimbaugh.com
Ditto-cam - exclusive to Rush 24/7 members to see Rush live on the internet as he broadcasts
"Harmless lovable little fuzzball" - Rush's "self-effacing" answer in early 90's to critics who labeled him "the Most Dangerous Man in America"
"The Limbaugh Letter" - Rush's exclusive newsletter and humor magazine, available by subscription along with special bonus reports
Irate Callers - self explanatory
Additional credits and mentions:
Kurosawa Akira - great, famous, and influential Japanese film director who made such epics like "the Seven Samurai" whose works were remade in the US and Italy as westerns
"The Ping Pong Club" - Hentai-anime series hailed as Japan's "South Park" about a high school ping pong team composed of misfits, perverts, and deviants
Sonny Chiba - famed Japanese movie star famous for the movie series, "The Streetfighter". Also appears in "Kill Bill"
Sanada Hiroyuki - Japanese movie star who was a protege of Sonny Chiba, starred in "the Last Samurai" and "Omnyoji", hailed as Japan's "Lord of the Rings"
The "Rush Limbaugh" theme, being played on traditional Japanese instruments, is running when the announcer makes his introduction that starts what is called Japan's Daily Pursuit of the Truth, the most widely listened-to radio talk show and political satire program: "Now coming to you live from the Excellence in Nippon Broadcasting building in Tokyo, Japan's Truth Detector, LIMBAO RYUSHO!!!!!!!"
"Domo arigato, Jimmu-san, with talent on loan from the Emperor, TENNO HENKO BANZAI!-speaking to you live with three-quarters of my brain tied behind my back to make it fair, firmly ensconched in the prestigious Musashi Miyamoto chair behind the Golden ENB Microphone, and what a show we have for you today!"
Limbao gives the cue to his announcer, who says, "Live from Tokyo, under the loving guidance of his Imperial Majesty, it's Open Line Friday!!!!!!!"
Limbao then takes the Golden Microphone. "Yes, our phone lines are open, 0061-800-282-2882, where you, the listener, may phone in and talk about anything I have covered during the past week. We have quite a lot to cover today in the Stack of Stuff, Kim Jong Il is at it again, and the appeasers are up in arms because the American President is acting like he is on an American remake of a Kurosawa film as usual......we also have a couple of very special guests who will be calling in at the bottom of the hour, but first, another Yokoshima Tadao Update, and singing the Yokoshima Update theme, we will be turning over the Golden ENB microphone to the Singing Spirit Bullets, and if you are a Ryusho 24/7 member, you see them live on the Ryusho Ditto Cam!!!!!!!!!!!"
Right then, a line of spirit bullets, the same kind of spirits that work for Miss Mikami at twice the pay that Yokoshima makes, each wearing a black bow tie, appear on Ryusho's desk behind the microphone. A musical score in the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" begins, and the spirit bullets begin singing the following song:
"Lacy things -- Mikami's missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear."
Just then, one of the spirit bullets start solo in a baritone with the following verse:
"In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
Then all the spirit bullets sing together:
"Let's wait 'til Miss Mikami's are out of town!"
They all then finish the song together:
"Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!"
The music fades and Ryusho starts his update. "And just yesterday, Ghostsweeper Mikami, a proud sponsor of this program, was called to an unnamed department store in the Shinjuku district where she had to perform an exorcism of an evil spirit that was turning the customers of that store into mannequins, and just after the spirit was evaporated below room temperature, she discovered yet another American trick in exporting their liberalism into Dai Nippon, her assistant Yokoshima Tadao, in the lingerie department dressed in....you guessed it, my friends, wearing a full set of lingerie!!!!!!! You heard it here first, my friends!!!!! Another expose' of the American plot to export their liberalism into the Divine Country because their corporations cannot compete with ours and because their corporations cannot compete with our corporations the Americans feel the need to strike a blow at us culturally to stymie our superior economic compeitition to them!!!! However, my friends, you can rest easy knowing that I, your humble host, works tirelessly and endlessly serving the Emperor----TENNO HENKO BANZAI!----to expose these cultural assaults on us and in the process having more fun than a devoted servant of the Emperor should have for we are a nation founded on a firm moral base of traditional Shinto-Buddhist values!!!!! Ah, what's this, Snerdao-san? Oh, my broadcasting engineer, Snerdao Bao, tells me we have our first call of the day, Okinu-chan from the office of the Ghostsweeper Mikami herself, and since the Ghostsweeper Mikami is a proud sponsor of this program, we will take this call. Hello, Okinu, you are live on the ENB network. Welcome to the program. Nice to have you."
From the other end of the phone line, Okinu-chan immediately started launching into criticism of Ryusho. "Mr Limbao, how can you be so cruel?"
"Cruel? Me? Why no, I'm just a harmless, lovable, little fuzzball!!! HO HO HO!!!"
"No, you are cruel, Mr Limbao!!! Ridiculing Mr. Yokoshima everyday in front of millions!!! I work with Mr. Yokoshima, and I always wonder how can you do this, how can you ridicule him like you do, how do you play all these songs that make fun of him?"
"Please, one at a time, Okinu!! I'll start with the parodies. Folks, I don't make that stuff up! The Singing Spirit Bullets do. Before, they only worked for Miss Mikami making 500 yen an hour. Although it is twice of what she pays Yokoshima since they are more useful than he is, you need to remember that we live in a capitalist society, and naturally one of the miracles of Capitalism is that talent will go to where the money is!!!! You heard it here first, my friends!!! Talent goes where the money is, that is 'more yen' to those of you in Rio Lindao, and as the proof is on this show, where the Singing Spirit Bullets come here to this show for three hours where I, your humble host and devoted servant of the Emperor---TENNO HENKO BANZAI!!!-pay them 1000 yen for every update theme they sing here with a handsome bonus for every new parody they come up with on the spot since we are an event-driven program!!!! AH AH AH!. And now to cover on the Yokoshima updates themselves-----"
However, before Ryusho can go further, another voice, an angry and hysterical one, comes on the same line. "RYUSHO!!!!!! THIS IS YOKOSHIMA TADAO!!!!!"
"Well, isn't that great, ladies and gentlemen!!! Yokoshima Tadao is now live on the show!! We are really having a great start for today's excursion into broadcast excellence!!!!!"
"SHUT UP, YOU FAT CIGAR-CHOMPING SLUG, AND LISTEN HERE!!!!! I'M TIRED OF YOU MAKING FUN OF ME!!!!!! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU EVERYONE THINKS I'M SOME KIND OF A WEIRDO!!!!!!"
"Mr. Yokoshima, what is a weirdo?", Okinu-chan asks.
"What is a weirdo, Okinu asks...", Ryushu announces. "Well, I can try to explain that but do we have enough time in this segment for that? Ah, what's that, Snerdao-san? Ahhhh, the Singing Spirit Bullets have just come up with a new parody that may clear that up for Miss Okinu, and they tell me it was inspired by Mikami-san's job in the girl's high school in which Yokoshima dressed up in a girl's high school uniform. So without further ado, we will go ahead and roll that new udpdate theme....Ta da dat, ta da dat, ta da dat! Roll it!!!!!!!!"
"NO!!! NO!!" screams Yokoshima as the musical score for "the Muppet Show" theme plays and the Singing Spirit Bullets multiply themselves into 11 spirits with one line of five tenors, one line of five barritones, and one spirit holding a trumpet. The tenors begin singing.
"It's time to put on make-up,
Put on those high-heeled shoes,
We like to start the morning off by puttin' clothes on you....."
Then the baritones take over:
"Put on that pantyhose,
put away that compact case,
now you are more than ready.."
"Too bad your name is Freddie!"
Baritones then sing:
"'Cause you look more like Betty!"
Then all the spirit bullets, minus the one who is waiting to blow his trumpet, all sing together:
"YOU'RE A PERVERTATIONAL, DEVIATIONAL, CELEBRATIONAL, EXHIBITIONAL, YOU-ARE-WHAT-WE'D-CALL-A-REAL-WEIRDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Then the trumpet player blows a single note to end the song.
Ryusho then takes over. "And there you have it, my friends! A new Yokoshima Tadao update theme and you heard it here first! Hopefully that helps Okinu-chan better understand her question of what is a weirdo, and now moving along into the Stack of Stuff...."
"WAIT A MINUTE!!!!", screamed Yokoshima, "I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET, FATSO!!!!!"
Ryusho was unflushed, however, and clearly enjoying this segment as he continued the conversation. "Oh, you got more? Well, that certainly is great since we are an event-driven program. Please continue. HA HA HA!"
Just then, over the line the doorbell was heard and Okinu-chan was heard to say, "I'll get that, Mr. Yokoshima. Continue to tell Mr. Limbao how mean he is."
"YEAH, RYUSHO, AS I WAS SAYING, THANKS TO YOU, EVERYBODY THINKS I'M A PERVERT AND A WEIRDO AND I CAN'T GET A GIRL.......ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! WHY ME??? WHY CAN'T YOU GO AFTER THE PING PONG CLUB FOR A CHANGE?? WAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
However, before Ryusho could answer, Okinu's voice was heard over the line. "Maria!!! What a surprise!! What are you doing here?"
Then Yokoshima was heard to say, "And what are you doing dressed in LEATHER?"
A new voice, both female and mechanical, came over the line, saying, "Mr.-Yokoshima-I-still-love-you..."
"OMIGOD!!!", exclaimed Okinu. "Maria must be having a relapse of that love potion you accidentally gave her!!! Mr. Yokoshima, you need to get away!!!"
But before anything else can happen, with the line still open and everything still being broadcasted live, the sound of clothes being torn off and manacles being applied was heard with Yokoshima heard pleading, "No, Maria! Stop! Untie me!!! HEEELLLLP!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!"
Ryusho picked up on that statement as he announced, "Ahhhh, so this Maria has been studying you, huh, Yokoshima-san? Apparently she listens to this show. In fact, she must be a member of Ryusho 24/7 too. Speaking of which, Yokoshima-san, are you a member of Ryusho 24/7?"
"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR 24/7-WHATEVER, FATSO!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN DANGER HERE? DO SOMETHING!!!!!"
"Ah, well, you are in luck, my friend, for I am doing something. In gratitude for all the valuable material you contributed for the greatness of this program which is continuing to grow in leaps and bounds a large part thanks to you, you are now a member of Ryusho 24/7 with full access to everything on and about the show, from the Ryusho Dittocam where you can watch the Singing Spirit Bullets live to all my archives especially those featuring your own Greatest Hits, along with a bonus subscription to my exclusive newsletter, 'the Limbao Sutra' in addition to the bonus special reports starting with 'How to Prevent Yokoshima-ism in Your Children' and in the first time in the history of this example of broadcast excellence, your free subscription to all these is indefinite!!! As soon as you get untied-HA HA HA- just get me your email where I will send you your password and your snail mail address where I can send you your first issue of 'the Limbao Sutra' and the bonus report."
"Hold on, Mr. Yokoshima!!", said Okinu. "I'll get help!!! I'll get Miss Mikami and Dr. Chaos! Just hang on!!!"
"OKINU, WAIT!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!! MARIA, PLEASE STOP!!!"
"Mr.-Yokoshima-because-I-love-you-I-will-fulfill-your-fantasies." The sound of a whip being cracked in preparation for what will happen next was heard as Maria continued. "Therefore-I-now-have-you-in-bondage. You-are-now-my-slave. You-will-call-me-Mistress-Maria."
"NO! MARIA! Uh, look, Maria, if you love me so much, why don't you go after that fat slug on the radio who is always making fun of me??"
Just then the sound of a whip being cracked on human flesh was heard followed by a scream of pain coming from Yokoshima as Maria told him, "That-is-MISTRESS-Maria. You-will-call-me-Mistress-Maria. I-don't-go-after-that-fat-slug-because-I-don't-love-him. I-love-you-Mr-Yokoshima."
Ryusho continued broadcasting. "Well, Yokoshima-san, what was that you were saying about how you couldn't get a girl thanks to me, but here it is a minute later and now you have one!!! Aren't you glad to be proven wrong in this case? Just showing how right I am over 100 percent of the time!!! There you have it, my friends!!! A Yokoshima update LIVE, as it is happening, broadcast over this very show!!! You heard it here first!!! HA HA HA!!!"
Ignoring the radio, Maria continued. "Mr-Yokoshima-because-I-love-you-I-have-enslaved-you-and-put-you-in-bondage-and-now-I-demand-your-total-obedience. You-have-been-a-naughty-boy. I-will-now-punish-you. CAT-O-NINE-TAILS!!!"
"NO!!! HELP!!", Yokoshima screamed as Maria began using the cat o'nine tails on him. The sounds of the cat o'nine tails cracking on human flesh accompanied Yokoshima's screams of pain while Ryusho continued the segment.
"Ah, what is it, Snerdao-san? The Singing Spirit Bullets want another bonus so they have a new Yokoshima update theme? Well, ta-da-dat, ta-da-dat, ta-da-dat, let's roll it!!!!!!"
The Singing Spirit Bullets started to don cowboy hats except one of them, who donned an Indian head dress consisting of a single feather and stood silent as one spirit, wearing a black ten-gallon hat started singing, "Moanin', moanin' moanin'....hurtin', hurtin', hurtin'.....Rawhiiiiide!!!!"
The musical score for the theme from "Rawhide" began to play with the same spirit who assumed the roll of lead singer began while the rest of the spirits, with the exception of the spirit wearing the Indian feather, sang backup:
"Keep hurtin', hurtin', hurtin'
Though I'm disapprovin',
I love what you're doin', Rawhiiiide!
Don't try to understand me!
Just rope me, whip me, brand me,
Please leave your mark on my backside!
All the things I'm missin',
I don't mean love and kissin',
Are waitin' right for me when I'm tiiiied....."
It became then the Indian spirit's cue and with the lead singing one line, the backup with the Indian feather sang another, continuing to alternate:
Lead: "Tie me up!"
Indian backup: "Whip me down!"
"Whip me down!"
"Tie me up!"
"Tie me up!"
"Whip me down, Rawhide!"
Lead: "Go ahead!"
Indian: "Cut it out!"
"Cut it out!"
"Go ahead, go ahead, Rawhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!!!!"
The rest of the spirits started to continually sing "Moanin', moanin', moanin'" as the "Indian" spirit produced a whip and began cracking it.
And then all the spirit bullets ended the song by shouting, "RAWHIDE!"
"And there you have it, my friends!!! Setting a new standard for broadcast excellence that not even my American compeit-I mean, counterpart, Rush Limbaugh-san, will have a most difficult time matching for all his Marv Albert updates........a Yokoshima update as it is happening along with three Yokoshima update themes!!!!!! A first! Truly having more fun than a devoted servant of the Emperor--TENNO HENKO BANZAI!--should be allowed to have and passing that fun off to you!!!!!!!!! And as soon as Yokoshima gets untied----HA HA HA!-", Ryusho continued as the sounds of the cat o'nine tails and Yokoshima's cries of pain continued to be heard over the line. "-he should send us his email address so we can give him his Ryusho 24/7 password and his snail mail address for 'the Limbao Sutra'!!!!! Well, we ran a bit long in this segment, but it was worth it. We must now switch to an ENB profit-center break and when we get back, a call from famed samurai actor starring in "Omnyoji" and the Japanese-American epic "the Last Samurai" and member of the Japan Action Club, Sanada Hiroyuki, and his sensei, the Great Chiba Shinichi, who has returned to us!!! Yes, the incredible Sonny Chiba, a little American lingo for the great and most beloved Chiba-chan, star of numerous samurai movies and the internationally acclaimed "Streetfighter" movies as well as the founder of the Japan Action Club, 'J.A.C.' for those of you in Rio Lindao, will both be on as a preview for a more in-depth interview for next month's issue of 'the Limbao Sutra' where they will be discussing the state of traditional family values in Japan and what we Japanese can do to win the cultural war being waged against us by the Americans in their effort to export their liberalism and restore traditional ways to Dai Nippon, along with their thoughts on raising strong and stable families with a solid moral base firmly rooted in traditional Shinto-Buddhist values and reverence for the Emperor -TENNO HENKO BANZAI!!! So, my friends, unless you want your children to grow up into this......"
Ryusho let his comment hang as Maria's voice came over from the other end of the line. "Now-bark-like-a-dog-Mr-Yokoshima!", she ordered, with her voice accompained by the sound of the cat o'nine tails and Yokoshima's cries of pain.
"ARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MISS MIKAMI! OKINU! ANYONE! HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!!! OOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! DR. CHAOS!!!! HOW DO YOU TURN HER OFF????? WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
Ryusho continued. "........you will not want to miss this next call, coming up after the break. Ah, Snerdao-san, you have that "Streetfighter" theme music ready? Excellent!!! Roll it!!! Some new and special bumper music in order of the appearance of Chiba-chan on this show coming up....."
The theme music for "the Streetfighter" plays as an automated chorus sounds off with "Streetfighter of the airwaves, Limbao Ryusho!" as the show pauses for commercial breaks.